i want to be H.A.P.P.Y

i am waiting for my sister


havent completed my pbl
havent read for respiratory physical examination for tomorrow
havent learned much for urinary system


have a lot things to do
but at this moment
nothing can be done


*************************


i want to be happy
like everyone else
i hate having hurtful feeling inside of me
i may smile, laugh at ijan's jokes
but deep inside
there's something yet to be discovered and understood

da dua hari mcm ni
rse lost
buat itu xkne, buat ini pun salah
i wonder why
but nothing provides me explanation


i hate blaming people
and because of that, i blame myself


a very dear friend of mine, afiq, once pernah mention

"dhira, kau ni terlalu care for feeling of others. and yet, no one really care for you as much as you care for them"

i smiled
well, i never thought of it that way
i believe that if we make others happy, we will be happy too
but why didnt i get that
why happiness never really stays with me
why must it comes after a long wait and goes away after a few moments


maybe it's true then
happiness is something that can only be pursued, but never gained
maybe i am just not worth it
maybe


i want to be happy
tell me how
provide me ways
and guide me there


*************************


still waiting for my sister
and cant get anything done